Getting Real About White Lies and Omissions
“It’s not NOT the truth”
In my interviews with leaders, I have encountered some version of this thought, as they reflect back on what it means to be honest vs dishonest, and what does and doesn’t ‘count’ as a lie in their daily interactions.
All of us perform some version of this mental calculation. When we encounter tricky situations and environments, we try and push up to the boundary of a lie, without crossing it. It keeps us out of trouble, and allows us to maintain the view that we are honest people. We see white lies and omissions as the secret sauce to good relationships, at work and otherwise.
Leaders, especially at the mid-management level, are adept at these communication gymnastics. They learn over their professional career that in any single organization there are multiple stakeholders whose interests are not always aligned, political labyrinths, fragile egos, unpleasant budget cuts and layoffs, and disruptive organizational change efforts - and that they are often tasked with carefully managing, translating and communicating this information.
As a result, they become guarded and careful about what they do and do not say. They avoid giving negative feedback to poor performers, withhold information from their teams, selectively present performance statistics to superiors, and sugarcoat the impact of coming change. They also do it with positive intentions, and the belief that they are not technically lying. No harm, no foul, right?
Not so fast. One leader expressed regret when she realized that her failure to honestly communicate with an underperforming team member caused a massive trust violation with the rest of the team. More subtle harms can occur too - teams and organizations need accurate feedback and information in order to build trust and do their best work. When they feel they are not getting it, it can leave them confused, disempowered, and mistrustful, no matter how well-meaning their leader’s dishonesty was.
Most important of all? We must understand that honesty is not just about avoiding outright lies. It’s a tool for connection, resilience, and good work. Recently, a group of researchers from Carnegie Mellon suggested that we need to develop a more expanded view of what it means to be honest, and that among other things, honesty is striving to foster accurate beliefs in others. This means that if we state something that is technically true, but it causes a misimpression in the other person, then we are not being honest.
For leaders, this means a mindset shift when it comes to honesty.
Rather than asking “Am I technically lying?”, the question becomes “What am I doing to help this person understand the reality of the situation?”.
Rather than “How can I avoid harm at this moment by lying”, the question becomes “How can my honesty now avoid long-term harm in the future”?
Further reading and links
Leadership aside, white lies have a dark side in our everyday life too. My collaborator and friend Leanne ten Brinke and I take a closer look at what we lose when we opt to tell white lies:
https://psyche.co/ideas/be-honest-little-white-lies-are-more-harmful-than-you-think
On the four components of honesty:
Cooper, B., Cohen, T. R., Huppert, E. L., Levine, E. E., & Fleeson, W. (2023). Honest Behavior: Truth-Seeking, Belief-Speaking, and Fostering Understanding of the Truth in Others. Academy of Management Annals. https://doi.org/10.5465/annals.2021.0209